Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
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me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.