@CulturedRuffian: PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn't cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
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@UnFitz: Me: Hi, mom. I'm feeling tremendous guilt. Mom: Why? Me: Just thought I'd save you the effort.
@joejwest: MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line] GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
@Phook75: Whenever a wrong number calls me and hangs up I always call em back and tell them it was their loss because I'm really fun to talk to.