PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
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HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
I think this cat is broken
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”