Things will get butter, keep churning
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[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.