I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
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Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum