@onelongbender: Plot twist: name your pets after passwords.
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@prufrockluvsong: [returning toothpaste] Yeahhh, this didn't hold my husband's teeth together at all.
@DiscoFruit: [3rd grade] bae: come over me: no bae: my parents aren't home. me: but we're only 7, that's awful parenting. bae: but- me: AWFUL. PARENTING.
@hippieswordfish: 'babe, i'm ready' -says my wife, from the bedroom 'be right there' -i say from the bathroom, trying furiously to untangle my yo-yo string