Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
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My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
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Me: Same
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
😂😂
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.