@ndiquote: Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he's emailing everyone now.
@SteveSuckington: [blind date]
"I'm like, really good at *looks on hand* making the sex"
-did you just read that off your hand?
"Hey! You're not blind!"
@LizHackett: I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out "DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?"
@krustythe_klown: Thank God there are no Bible verses shorter than 140 characters.
@jjhartinger: This new generation doesn't knock they just text to say they're outside, so I text back to say we're inside. Two can play.
@bourgeoisalien: if someone asks you about yourself say "OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story" then just wander off