@ndiquote: Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he's emailing everyone now.
@MartaEffing: Therapist: Do you project your problems onto others?
Me: Don't flip out, but I feel like you're asking me that to make yourself look smart.
@reesespiece_: Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is "married."nLike that's gonna stop me!
@Tall_Yoda7: *struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
"HOLY COW, I'M STRONGER THAN MYSELF"
@NYC_Blonde: "You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you're at the gym when really you're out shopping" is the title of my autobiography.
@Sickayduh: [NBA Postgame]
*LeBron wearing his fake glasses*
"Questions? Yes, Lois Lane from Daily Planet"
"Yeah hi. I'll wait til LeBron comes out"