Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
You Might Also Like
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.