Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
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I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”