We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
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Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her