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@cheeky__gal: Plot twist:
"Luke, I am your Mother." - Yoda
@KentWGraham: There’s a fire at a trick birthday candle plant. Firefighters have been battling the blaze on and off for 5 days.
@Fred_Delicious: "ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER"
[spider removes earbuds]
"yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever"
@Just_Lee_: When someone is murdered, the police investigate the spouse first.
And that tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
@INDlAN_: Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
@Be___Dope: Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I'm kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us