Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
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Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
u spoke cat all this time??????
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.