Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
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I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever