[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
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“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
How long do you have to wait between naps?