Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
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Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.