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@stanleybehrman: Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
@causticbob: Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
@Ikea_Monkey_89: When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
@weinerdog4life: The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
@djdarrellripley: Her: I can't cook because, I "believe" I can't cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
@BritXNic: Don't mind me. Just over here shaking my phone like a Magic 8-Ball, trying to get the screen to rotate back.