*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
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I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
☺️
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
saving face 👀
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory