pls suprot
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I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Modded the new Gran Turismo
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.