*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
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Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over