Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
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[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please