Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
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My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone