@Tommytoughstuff: KID: I'm a brat! WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.

@StellaRtwot: Just saw a bumper sticker that said "I'd rather be tweeting." It was on a car that was flipped upside down in a ditch.

@trevso_electric: "Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we'll call you a liar." -insurance

@djdarrellripley: Her: My father is very upset that I'm your girlfriend. Me: Well, duh, I'm very upset that you're my girlfriend...

@elclimo: ⛄️