Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
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When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Put this video in the Louvre
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?