Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
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Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
for all #parents out there
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.