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@Swishergirl24: Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
@KyleDodsonFunny: GF: "Call me ASAP, it's an emergency!"
Me: "Hi ASAP, it's an emergency!"
@NikkiGlaser: Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
@withanewname: The family pet is getting old so we're all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can't make it over there.
@ojedge: Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: "How about a barry?"
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: "How about a barrier?"
@MyHairyLife: Subway calling their employees sandwich artists must really piss off people who actually paint sandwiches for a living.