Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
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*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.