[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
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Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
i meant to share this earlier
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
he’s doing your taxes
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.