PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
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What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
no
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.