me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
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absolute chaos
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
estão todos miauvindo?
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Everything reminds me of my ex
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.