Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
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I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.