Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
You Might Also Like
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom