Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
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My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Wasps: bees, but not helping
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
My five year plan is a meteorite
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Good news
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms