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@cherrysubmarine: Poetry would be a lot harder if violets were orange.
@JT_IV_: I like restaurants because the people have to be nice and feed you.
@joeyhuggles: I take all of my relationship advice from Animal Planet.
@Playing_Dad: *turns on shower*
*shower whispers "eat donuts for breakfast" & "get drunk tonight"*
Me: Wow, that's some serious water pressure
@weinerdog4life: When I tell my wife I'm gonna have to work late she knows it's code for I was playing with super glue and I'm stuck to my desk again.
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.