Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
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If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein