@Rollinintheseat: *Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing* *Do not attempt flashes across the screen* Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours* “Okay.”

@Darlainky: Grim Reaper: You know why I'm here. Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving? GR: You should've forwarded that chain email.

@GianDoh: How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?

@WoodyLuvsCoffee: My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?” My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?” My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”

@fletchworld73: So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I'm pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.