yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
You Might Also Like
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
house sitting!
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time