@juanadog: Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I'm kidding.
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@TheRealHoff10: People keep asking me today "So you have a new boss?" No, I'm still with my wife.
@Book_Krazy: [arrives at sales meeting with giraffe I bought last month] "Ok, did everyone bring a graph tracking your activity this month?" ME: uh oh
@haleysfalling: so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i "need to put my hospital gown on the right way"
@AristotlesNZ: Me: There's a real fat one on the other team! Her: "My son's not fat!" How you know I was talking about him? "Cuz he's the.." Fat one? "Ya."