@juanadog: Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I'm kidding.
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@jergarl: 89% of being a parent is telling my kids to put on shoes before we leave the house and then getting in the car wearing my slippers.
@novicefather: [Personal ad] Seeking hostile female rage rhino to suffocate me with her thighs. Smoker's cough a plus. Oxygen tank required. No crazies.
@skitzoette: Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion. Totally ruined Grandpa's 90th birthday.
@PinkCamoTO: *looks at calendar* *looks at stomach* *looks at calendar* Guess I'm telling people I'm pregnant again this summer.