@juanadog: Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I'm kidding.
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@scorpicpanda: Me: *lying nude on checkered blanket* Him: "Where's the food and why are you naked?" Me: "Am I doing it wrong? This is my first picnic."
@ReelQuinn: NAZI: I’m a Nazi MEDIA: How controversial NAZI: I said I was a Nazi MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
@orange_rhymer: [robbing bank] leader: go in & grab everything you can *i go in to grab loot* Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
@bombscribe: If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have? No chance of blocking an uppercut.