Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
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Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Pot warmers of the day.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?