Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
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I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.