My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
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The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁