I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
You Might Also Like
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
A great tip. #CakeRex
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic