[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
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Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.