*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
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Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician