*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
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You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
hey, alexa
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
How funny!
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW