*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
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The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
You’ll be OK
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?