*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
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Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.