Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
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I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.