First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
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I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”