*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
You Might Also Like
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Huge, if true.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤