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Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Good morning, Twitter x
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.