If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
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[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple