[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
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God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*