Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
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realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”