*pokes sex life with a stick
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Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
motivation
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.