[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
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When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.