Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
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Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details