@WillMckenzieNot: Poking holes in your parents condoms so there's someone else to do the dishes
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@TheCiscoKidder: I caught my son wiping his boogers on the couch which is gross because I don't want our boogers mixing.
@pinupteacher: I walk into the main office of a new school: Secretary: You a sub? *cheeks blush* Me: Who have you been talking to?
@KeetPotato: doctor: "is there anything that runs in the family?" wife: "hm not really" me: "the dog jogs a lot"