@WillMckenzieNot: Poking holes in your parents condoms so there's someone else to do the dishes
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@kadyngriffiths: Thug: *shows tattoos of tear drops* So I remember each person I've killed. Me:*shows tattoo of an oven* So I remember to turn off the oven.
@sixthformpoet: The Pope is hardly the first person to lose interest in their real job so soon after joining Twitter.
@angibangie: Him: I love nerd girls Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can't feel water, only a change in temperature? Him: no. not like that.