Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
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having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Finally, a door that understands me
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.